pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
