So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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