You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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