My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
