I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
