I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
