well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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