I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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