I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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