I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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