Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
