Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is Oprah even human
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
