Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
