Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
