I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
