There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
