is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
