Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
