i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
