Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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