my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
did you just send me my own nude
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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