Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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