I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
