My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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