Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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