I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
