i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
