Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
