I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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