Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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