I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
