Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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