I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize