remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
