i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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