I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
