Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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