I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize