I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
