I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
