I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Sober January is a disaster.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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