When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize