Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize