You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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