I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize