I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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