Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
