Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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