I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
