i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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