You're completely useless in the revolution.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I still have a little drunk in my system
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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