He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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