he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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