You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
