i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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