I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
