I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
