got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize