I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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