so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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