i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
