Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I got inside last night via doggy door
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
