Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
