i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Screwed.edu
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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