I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
