The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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