This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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