I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize