he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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