Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
