He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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