I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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