I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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